An Informative Guide To Playing The Pokemon TCG

FlashMan here, too preoccupied to come up with a witty retort that will somehow put BreakMan in his rightful place. Ehhhhhh. :p

Today I present to you a non-Rockman article that you might enjoy nonetheless; an informative (and only slightly satirical) guide (with pictures too!) detailing the process of playing the Pokemon TCG with other players. As has been said before, the best way to learn how to play the game is with those who are experienced, so for you who are NOT experienced, please dim the lights and pretend the following is a film strip.

Note: I actually DO like the Pokemon TCG and play it often with friends and family. This article's purely for humor, kids. 8D

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Figure 1: Obtain a deck of Pokemon cards.
It doesn't matter how good your skills are, or whether or not you are good at building a deck, or whether or not you have good cards, or even if you want to have fun; what really matters is that you play with whatever Nintendo says the currently-supported series of cards is, and that you most importantly spend a lot of money on building your deck. Your coolness factor is directly proportionate to how much money you spend. Besides, you're just going to lose anyway.
PRO-TIP: Bring like fifty gazillion dice including D20s and standard six-sided dice, because nobody uses those stupid paper markers and plastic coins they give you with the starter decks, and you're going to need damage counters when your opponent is blasting you out of the water with newfangled crap like Delcatty's Energy Draw and TV Reporter.



Figure 2: Find a league that meets near you.
This is the part where you go onto your computer and find a Pokemon Card league. Call ahead to let them know you're coming, and enjoy the allure of things such as "free prizes" and "gym badges" and "booster packs" and "fun" (this wears off once you get there, as you'll soon see).
PRO-TIP: Unless you're like, super lucky, the league will meet about two hours from wherever you live. Them's the breaks, kid.



Figure 3: Drive out to the middle of nowhere.
If you're actually interested in Pokemon it's a pretty safe bet you're under the age of 16, so you'll typically be having your family member or an older friend drive you out there instead. I know this because I was the only person at league with a driver's license that DIDN'T have an AARP card.
PRO-TIP: I don't have anything to put here.



Figure 4: You're here!
You're probably going to be meeting somewhere like a McDonald's or something, so expect to have roughly ten million small children running around screaming while you try to play. Also expect for your cards to become stolen or damaged. If you haven't signed up for league before, go ahead and do so while everyone else stares at you, sizing you up.
PRO-TIP: Don't make eye contact. Also, keep your reverse holos safely hidden away in your Pikachu backpack.

And now, it's time to...

Size up the competition!
Let's take a look at the kind of people who actually go to these things.


Figure 5: Jared
This is Jared. Jared likes evil Pokemon that are impossible to beat. His deck is guaranteed to contain no fewer than eight EX Pokemon and somehow he'll have a way to guarantee there's no chance of defeat. This is likely because he's using cards that date as far back as Base Set that he claims have been "reprinted... somewhere".
JARED'S POKE-POWER: Once during his turn, before you can do anything to stop him, he may choose to put as many damage counters as is necessary on all of your Pokemon in order to knock them out. He may also draw up to six prize cards. This attack is not affected by weakness or resistance. This attack cannot be used by you.


Figure 6: Gaarwine
This is Gaarwine. When Gaarwine isn't playing (insert popular card game featuring the words "Magic" and "Gathering" here), he's hanging out at the Pokemon league, looking for fragile egos he can crush. Gaarwine's style is to use Pokemon Lv.X cards that you've never even heard of. Using a "speed deck" that he spent six months developing, he can draw all the cards he needs and have everything set up by his second turn.
GAARWINE'S POKE-POWER: Once during his turn, he can choose to take cards out of his deck if he's losing and put new cards into his deck that will shift the tide of battle in his favor. This condition cannot be used if Gaarwine Lv.X is suffering from a nosebleed.


Figure 7: Chip
This is Chip. I really don't know what his deal is. I think he may be a stalker.
CHIP'S POKE-POWER: He looks over your shoulder constantly the entire game while you're trying to pretend he doesn't exist, asking to "show him your Pokemans".



Figure 8: It's go time!
Proceed by shaking hands, then wiping the sticky coat of film from your appendage before shuffling your deck. I really, REALLY hope you invested in card sleeves.
Begin by drawing your cards in accordance with the rules. It doesn't matter what Pokemon you put on your bench, just put something out there. By turn three you'll be putting your deck back in your box and uncomfortably looking for the exit, regardless of which opponent you got.
PRO-TIP: You're totally going to lose.



Figure 9: And the winner is...
You, because you had the foresight to never bother with doing any of this in the first place. Seriously, the video game is so much more fun. I don't care what anybody says.
PRO-TIP: Nobody believes that Level 100 Shiny Lucario with Judgment, Psycho Boost, Volt Tackle, and Sacred Fire you caught in a Master Ball is real. Stop fooling yourself.